How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
