my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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