The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
