are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
