nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
