I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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