I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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