the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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