Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize