just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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