There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
high people should be assigned attendants
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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