Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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