The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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