remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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