Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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