I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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