What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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