After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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