My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
