As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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