Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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