I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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