she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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