then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize