It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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