yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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