I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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