i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
