It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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