I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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