so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i came on her dog
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I could fuck to npr.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
