I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
