I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize