I'm jealous of your bromance
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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