I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Bring me that man meat
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
