I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
