Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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