I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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