By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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