ugly people sure do ruin things
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Randomize
