Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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