Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
