Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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