and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
