That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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