I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
