I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Reggie can tackle my bush.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
