He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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