When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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