Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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