This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
the raccoons are back...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
