Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
