Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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