your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
