Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
