We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
